Swept Away
by whitewingedsoldier
Summary: Subaru reflects on his past after the final battle is over. Contains spoilers for both X and Tokyo Babylon. Seishiro/Subaru-implied. One-shot.


Hello, everyone. It's been quite a long time since I posted anything here, and I would like to take the chance to point out that this is my very first time working with anime! I would also like to point out that if you have not yet read the manga **Tokyo Babylon** or watched the anime series **X** all the way through, this fic will contain **spoilers**. Also, I do not legally own the rights to either series, both of which are owned by CLAMP. That having been said, please enjoy!

**Swept Away…**

_Since that day, I…haven't been sure what to feel anymore. Or even if I still know how to feel…_

His eyes followed the falling snow as it drifted gently down, silent.

_Is this wrong? To be here like this…_

The snowflakes reminded him of the quietly falling blossoms, and he knew that even if he tried to forget, or to avert his eyes, it would be no use.

_I…didn't think it was going to end up this way. It was like…waking up from a very long sleep. Only, the dream that I had didn't end…_

The room was cold, but he hardly noticed, unable to tear his eyes away from the window.

_Where am I supposed to go from here? You left me with those words, and…with an empty heart._

His gaze dropped to his motionless hands, lying lifeless in his lap, and remembered the marks carved into them, perhaps the last living proof that that man had walked this earth.

_I thought…maybe…it would have been better if you had killed me, so then I could die knowing you were still alive. But…_

He tried to remember what it was like seeing out of his right eye, but was not too surprised to discover that he could not.

_You're dead, and I will probably lose my vision sometime in the future. Nothing turned out the way it was supposed to. I'm the only one left, and…all I have are these memories of you._

He closed his eyes, the faces of the two people he had loved most looking back at him.

_And it's…all my fault. _I _did this to you. If I wasn't here…!_

Try as he might, he could not stop the tears from pooling in his eyes.

_Hokuto-chan died trying to protect me from you. And you are dead because the technique you used to try and kill me…reflected and hit you, because of the spell she cast. In the end…it's because of me. If I wasn't so weak…if I had been just a little stronger…_

A tear escaped, sliding slowly down his face.

_That year we were together…you said you felt nothing. That I was nothing to you…but I can't believe that. You got hurt for my sake, even if you said you didn't. And you told me that…you really…_

The last words of the man he had held so dear replayed in his mind, as they had done over and over since he had heard them, that face so clear in his memory that it could have happened the day before.

He clenched his fists, fighting back the familiar ache, knowing by now that he should be over it, but it returned to haunt him when he least expected it. That ache tore at his heart, reopening the old emotional scars, making his soul bleed.

_I loved you, Seishiro-san. I still do. I…always might. Regardless or whether or not I want to…I will. I loved you, and I didn't want to believe you when you told me I was nothing._ His eyes were on the snow again. _I want to believe that you loved me. That I was special to you. That I meant something, _anything_ to you…_

He could almost hear that voice now, in his ear, telling him exactly that. A lie. What he had thought was a lie. A real lie? A lie made to sound like what he wanted to hear. A sweet lie. A terrible lie. A lie that he desperately wanted to believe was true, that he didn't want to let go of, that he held close to his heart.

_I loved you so much that I spent years looking for you. So much that when you left, I drowned in emptiness…so much that I would have died in your arms, if it would have meant you loved me. So much that when I think of you…this pain comes back…_

His tears were falling almost like the snow outside, dropping unheard out of view, unable to be stopped. He could hear his ragged breath in the silence, feel his shoulders shaking, taste the salt as the wetness ran down his face. _I didn't think I could live without you there. I didn't _want_ to live without you there. There is no world without you in it. All I cared about was being with you, and…it was exactly the opposite of what you wanted._

He could hardly see, his vision dark and blurred. _I wonder…what color the sakura will be this year._ He vividly remembered the pale pink petals fluttering past his face, the great branches stretching up above his head. _It starts out white…white like snow. Like this snow?_ He watched the snowflakes continue to fall, imagining them to be those same petals, falling around him in quiet splendor.

_Did you…want to die?_ The thought slammed into his mind like a speeding bullet train. _Did you try to kill me knowing that it would kill you? But…if so, then…why?_ Slowly, he stood, crossing the empty room to stand at the window and gazing up into the misty gray sky. _Did you regret what you did to me that day? Did you…wish for my happiness?_

A gust of wind tore through the snowstorm, making the flakes twist and whirl in the air as he watched them. _Did you remove yourself from this world, thinking that I might be happier without you in it…even when that couldn't be further from the truth?_ A little sob escaped him, echoing in the stillness. _But I can't ask you now…since you aren't here anymore._

As he stood there, his aching heart throbbing, his eyes on the snow, his hands balled into fists, he inexplicably smiled. _I was told, once…to be careful not to be swept away by the sakura. But it wasn't me that was swept away…_ Those familiar eyes were on him once he closed his eyes, always there, one milky white and unseeing. They watched him in his dreams, and sometimes he pretended that they watched him in his waking hours, seen by no one but him. Those eyes, that voice, those hands…

_No…it wasn't me that was swept away by the sakura. It was my heart._

**~fin**


End file.
